Time to dust this thing off!

Hello old friend! It’s been awhile! I thought it was time to dust off this old blog and bring it back to life. But does anyone blog anymore? Well, I do! Or at least I plan to start again now. I’m not going to lie, I was a little worried that I wouldn’t even remember how to log back on, where to find everything, where to start. . . IF I should start again. But instead, it felt like putting on a pair of comfy sweats. It feels good to be back and I’m excited to reconnect!

How have you been? I see my last blog was December of 2020. A little over 2 years of complete and utter change, awakening, and renewal for many of us. Some have thrived in these past years, but most of us have had to redefine ourselves and it hasn’t been easy, has it? But, for me, the growth, although hard and cumbersome and even painful sometimes, is now, finally, feeling like progress, not defeat. Anyone else?

I guess maybe it would be best if I went back to the “beginning.” My last blog, dated December 29, 2020, was titled “A Little Repair and Renovation.” Little did I know back then that it was actually going to be a complete overhaul! I was on the cusp of turning in my notice that I would be retiring from teaching after 30 years in the classroom. Oof! The career that had always defined me was about to end. Then what? My mind went a gazillion different directions! Who was I if I wasn’t a teacher? Could I survive in the “real” world? Did I know how to fit in outside of a classroom? We were also right in the middle of our virtual era of meeting and communicating which didn’t feel authentic to me. My son was getting married which was super exciting! But also meant he was a “grown up.” My daughter was graduating from college and, I guess that meant she was also a “grown up.”

So who was I now? Was I still mom? I was but was I that overbearing mom that movies are written about? How do I balance being there, but not controlling and overbearing? Yikes! This new phase is hard! It was also during this time that my own mom was starting to show much more obvious symptoms of dementia and needing much more assistance. Wowza! Who am I?

Time continued and I slowly grew into my new “mom” role and rediscovered my new mother/daughter relationship with my own mom. Seemed like all was well. But things inside still felt funny – disjointed and a little out of sorts. This new skin I was in was tight and unforgiving at times. It felt like brand new clothes that don’t bend. Unyielding and stiff.

Then other changes started happening that made things real. Both of my kids’ childhood pets had to be put down about a year apart. First was my son’s dog whom he got for his 8th grade graduation. A dog that I loved with all my heart because he loved my son and he was a gentleman to the core. We recently said goodbye to my daughter’s horse and it felt like a double whammy. An era really was over now. I cried buckets of tears. And cried. And cried. When my daughter came home shortly after this last event, I leap frogged right back into mom role and was trying to give her words of encouragement by telling her we were so lucky to have had Gunner in our lives and we can focus on the positive. In her infinite wisdom and grace, she said to me, “Mom, it’s okay to just feel right now.” Wham! Right in the belly!

So there it is. The biggest lesson I’ve learned over the past 2 years is to just feel and be in the moment. Just be. But it hasn’t been easy nor has it been fun. It’s been hard! I have hardwired myself to go someplace else when the going gets tough. Think back to a happy memory. Think ahead to the memories I still want to make. Dive into my work or something else so I’m too busy to feel. Just don’t feel what I’m feeling right now at this moment because it hurts. Or it makes my kids hurt.

Brene Brown talks about the beginning and end of emotions. There really is such a thing. There are fancy machines and tests that have proven this and, surprise, an emotion does and will end. We have to let it. Eckart Tolle repeatedly talks about being in the moment. Even noticing how the water feels as it runs over your hands while washing them. Had I ever given this a thought before? No! But now I do when I can. In Women Food and God, Geneen Roth talks about stopping in the middle of a conflict or situation and asking yourself what you are feeling in your belly. What? I thought our feelings came from our heart. Try it! It really does work. That feeling in your belly isn’t wrong. It’s real and it’s raw and it’s honest.

The funny thing is that using my weaknesses and vulnerabilities to be in the moment has actually made me stronger and more confident. That doesn’t logically work in my mind. I can’t quite wrap my head around it. I am supposed to come across as a strong, confident, independent woman. Not sure how it works, but it does. Which brings me to today. Where am I now? My new career as a program director feels like it fits me like a glove now. I thrive on my day to day interactions and work as I help those with dementia and their caregivers. My journey with my mom has forced me into the moment since she has no memory and her long term memories are slowly fading. We enjoy moments together. We laugh, we talk, we shop, and then we do it all again most likely about the exact same things. But it’s okay because it’s not about the words anymore. It’s about the feeling I have when I’m with my mom and the feelings she has when we are together. In that moment. Not before, and not after.

All of these experiences have brought my yoga practice and teaching to a whole new level as well. I have become far more focused on my students and the community we have created. Nobody comes to yoga feeling perfect, ready to shine, and whole. When students come to class, I’ll ask, “what are we working on?” because we are always practicing at becoming a better form of ourselves. Everyone that comes has a story. Everyone that comes has scars and hurt. But through our time together, those disappear and are replaced with new and pure intentions. It really is a beautiful thing to watch.